WAAAALKIN ON SUUUNSHIIINE WOOOAAH OOOHH
holy shit hahaha!
Being talked about constantly about it, I just started to get tough skin and “not care” any more. I started to be a huge tomboy. Fact is, you never know you’re not over something if you deal with it by not dealing with it. I got called “chicken head” “tookie (as in tookie williams)* but the worse was being seen as one of the guys. About 7th grade, my aunt took me under her wing slowly. So then I slowly started getting my hair done and going shopping. But no matter how much change I went through, I was still seen as one of the guys throughout high school. Do you know, I never had a boyfriend at school? I dated guys that I would hardly ever see, if I would ever see them. Graduating year, one of my guy friends that I knew since Kindergarten, wrote in my yearbook saying “Leslie, who knew you would be the girl that would turn out hot”. I guess that I should smile. Really, I’m crying now thinking of it. WHY was it so hard to believe that I could actually be beautiful? Idk, but whatever it was, wore off on me. Now I am one of the most INSECURE people I know. I can play like I think I’m beautiful and not that bad looking, but honestly, I feel like the ugliest thing you’ve ever seen. I feel worse when guys that do like me, I find unattractive. And never, not once, have I ever gotten the guys that I found amazingly attractive that every girl wants. Who wouldn’t want a guy that every girl wants. The guys that I’ve talken to that weren’t that bad, never became anything serious. Well I was never serious to them. Today I talked to my “ex” (if that’s what you call it) Shane and got advice on how I should handle things with this guy I like. The conversation lead to some flirting. Then to the question, what was wrong with me, that he could never find himself wanting to be with me. He told me the truth. He described a girl, that I thought was me, only to find out it wasn’t. If I’m not ugly and I have a sense of humor. What the fuck is wrong with me? My friend tried to hook me up with this guy from the gym and he still hasnt text me. He got my number from her 4 days ago. I, luckily, haven’t bumped into him yet. When I do, I don’t plan to talk to him, or look his way. I mean I can’t be mad at him. He doesn’t owe me anything. But I’m completely embarrassed for being sooo damn stupid to believe that he would want me. For all I know, he wants my friend and was probably upset that it wasn’t her number instead. I still would just rather finish this school year with out having to say a word to him (6weeks). Lets see how well that goes. You always manage to see the ones you’re trying to avoid, when you’re trying to avoid them. Hopefully I can get through this with some kind of dignity. I know probably no one read this whole thing. But it was just something to vent on. I don’t have no one to really talk to about this. When they hear the whole I;m insecure thing, they probably think its just a cry for attention instead of my opening up to them.
Guess I just need to vent. My lifes relationships have been one fail after another. I can count all of the relationships with guys that I have had on one hand. Growing up I was considered one of the dudes because I didn’t have the girly ways. Not saying this is why, but my mother and father got a divorce when I was younger, so my brothers and I were living with her at first. Then when the Child Social Services showed up to our school to get us one day because of the abuse we were going through at my mothers, by her, we then moved in with my dad, who was a recovering alcoholic. He went to rehab during the time we were at my mothers to get himself in shape to get us back. Growing up in a house full of guys, I had no sense of girlish qualities in me. As much as I tried to be cute like the girls on my street and at my school, it just wouldn’t happen and I got talked about constantly for it.
